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Ever felt like you were different to other people? Ever felt like you were special? Do you feel special now? Or, do you want to?
Special nowadays might as well be a synonym for celebrity. The image above gets to the heart of this kind of desire to feel special. We want to be celebrated, desired, envied and loved. The celebrity in the image above is an A.I. generated one, which is also appropriate, because in our hearts, we know there is an unreality to all this celebrity specialness.
We know that celebrities are really just like you and me – no happier, no sadder, just as in need of genuine love and acceptance. They face challenges, and they break sometimes. They just get fawned upon (or spat upon) throughout the process.
So why do so many of us want to feel this kind of special?
It’s Human To Feel Special
It is human at some point in your life, and usually early on, to have a feeling of difference to others. It is part of becoming self-aware that you are a person separate from other people.1 According to your upbringing and particularly your parenting, here’s how this difference from others will be processed2 by the small child you:
- For many of us this feeling of separateness develops into a feeling of superiority – this is the meaning of special we’re focused on that makes us want to feel like a celebrity every day. We feel like we are here for a reason, to do something grand, and everyone should thank us for it!
- However, it can go the other way. Some people develop a feeling of themselves as special in the sense that they are a special case – they are broken, born wrong. They might feel they are especially inferior people, not worthy of attention.3
- For some of us this feeling of difference from others, of knowing our own being, doesn’t develop into feeling special other than in the sense of being an individual in the world. Rather it is a fact. I am not other people. We are all different, though similar. Okay, move on.
Most of us will have a mix of all three at some level, but many of us lean towards the special as superior side of life views. Our parents told us how special we were as children, but not in a, because you were born, and that’s just brilliant way, but more because you got such great grades in school, or performed so well musically, or in sport.
When you start to feel special for achieving accolades and your parents’ approval, the die is set to chase external validation for the rest of your life. It feels good to feel special. But in the long run it comes with some big drawbacks.
Time To Grow Out Of The Need To Feel Special
In Mindset (reviewed here) Carol Dweck talks about how if we are told too much as children that we are special because of our achievements, we may learn to wear this like a suit of armour. We are special people and no-one can challenge that. This often backfires meaning if you are special then why should you work hard and put in maximum effort to achieve your goals. Success should come easy for special people.
With the special suit of armour on, we also don’t want to take on any challenge that may damage our shiny suits of specialness. So, we pass on a competition in case we lose. We don’t ask the girl or guy out that we really want to because they may reject us. If we fail, we may not feel so special after all.
The suit of armour metaphor is very appropriate because we really are restricted in our growth by seeing ourselves as special and trying to always feel special in the sense of superior to others.
Don’t Feel Ordinary
Because to feel special is to be celebrated, put above other ordinary people, the word ordinary has taken on a negative meaning. Special is on every screen, in every palm. With social media, the bizarre and special are never far away. We are bombarded with special people doing special things. FoMO always refers to the fear of missing out on something special, not just missing out on a cup of tea and a nice biscuit. Who wants an ordinary life these days?
But we are ordinary, all of us, even the so called Special Ones. Like so many world leaders before him, Barack Obama practically went grey overnight once he became President. All kings & queens take a shit like us peasants. Everyone decays. Everyone dies. Ordinariness is at the root of all our lives. This is the true meaning of being yourself – be your ordinary self. You don’t have to “Be” anything or anyone other than yourself & neither does anyone else – not your partner, not your parents, not your children, not strangers, not anyone.
In The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck, Mark Manson spends a lot of time calling out the cult of the special in the modern day. We should all accept our apparent ordinariness and just get on with it. However, the obvious objection to this line is what about the likes of people who have achieved excellence, like Barack Obama? What about Mark Manson for f*ck’s sake! These people have clearly done extraordinary things, achieved extraordinary levels of wealth, fame & following. Who is Mark Manson to talk about the fact that we’re all ordinary when he has a gazillion followers & a gazillion reviews of his multi-gazillion selling book?
Is it only ok to be ordinary when you’ve already shown yourself to be, well, a bit special?
This is at the heart of the special bubble, the special illusion, the same illusion that projects superhuman qualities onto others, and it has a surprising amount to do with two things: 1) the word special itself. 2) the way we see ourselves & others in a one dimensional way.
Special & Ordinary – A perfect match
The root of the word special derives from the Latin word specialis from which special originally derived suggesting that to be special makes you almost of a different species from others, both special & species share the same root speci. By attributing the word special to a person, any person, you are essentially saying they are one of a kind, almost a superhuman.
This kind of thinking/viewing means you miss the workload and circumstances behind their individual achievements. You don’t look at Barack Obama and immediately think about the years of work he put in as a community services organiser and lawyer before reaching the heady heights of the 44th Presidency. You don’t look at Mark Manson and say – look how much he likes to write, look at all the crap he went though, look at the work he puts in every day to create content.
Thinking like this also means you miss the biggest, most obvious trick of the special illusion. No-one is special in every area of their life. We are all crap at some things and good at others. Deciding that Robin Williams was special because of his amazing ability to create comedy, means politely ignoring the horrible pain he was suffering in his personal life – never able to find peace and calm.
When you think flippantly of how great it would be to be special, just remember that no-one is happy in all areas of their life.
To find peace for yourself it’s best to give up the idea of being special in a way that strokes your ego and embrace the freedom of the extraordinary ordinary.
The Extraordinary Ordinary
Is this just messing with words? Well, to an extent, but then again all writing and talking and thinking is just messing with words. For me a word like extraordinary connects so much better with the great feats individuals achieve in the world while never losing the link to the basic human we all are, each with our own struggle and triumphs. This is the extraordinary ordinary, and it’s all of us.
In a strange roundabout way this extraordinary ordinary is the quality that makes each of us special. Now before you think I’m going down the snowflake argument (we are all precious like snowflakes, each an individual never to be repeated) remember Infinite Existence.
Infinite Existence says there is every version of ourselves & we share a Universal Consciousness that is within every human and every version of every human there ever was, or will be, or is. This means that a deeper part of you is already anything you think would be special – you’re famous, a celebrity, a billionaire. This is a way of thinking, not to say oh, it’s okay because I get to be all that already. Rather it is to nudge you out of the need to think you must be someone else to be at peace, happy, satisfied, free.
You are already all those things.
You are already free as you are right now. There is no need to go looking for something external, which is what the urge to feel special is all about. Special is an external prize always given essentially by others. Hey look at me, I’m special. When you feel in touch with Infinite Existence and the Universal Consciousness that connects us all, then why go looking for anything else?
We are all ordinary, we are all extraordinary. The fact of realising this is what is truly special.
Applying This To Daily Life
Thinking of yourself as the extraordinary ordinary brings a sense of freedom. It will help you learn to love yourself just as you are. This can feel like a tall order at times but it really is possible.
Not focussing on outside achievements to show others how special you are is a key part of this. No-one has to justify their existence. Read the article ALIIGNED for more on this as well.
Seeing yourself in this way also means appreciating the extraordinary ordinary in others. This will help with all of your relationships. By seeing others in a more realistic way, free of expectations of greatness, you can communicate better – you are not always looking for them to do more or be better. You can see them as you now see yourself – as real.
This can be particularly helpful as a parent. By taking expectations of your child to be anymore than who they are, you open up a space of love and acceptance. Your child will feel this as the unconditional love that it is, and they will feel free to grow in such a space.
And you can still tell them how well they have done, (at school, sport, hobby, whatever) but you are always prefacing it with a genuine connection first, a seeing and loving of your child – their uniqueness to you. There is no need to add, you’re so special, for whatever they have achieved.
Imagine how your childhood would have been if you had felt this kind of true unconditional love from your parent or parents?
What’s My Motivation?
Maybe you are worried that if you don’t feel special you won’t feel motivated to take action in the world? What’s the point of striving and working hard to achieve something great if there is no big celebration of you at the end of it?
If you are steeped in the need to feel special then it might be hard to believe that many people achieve greatness without requiring this feeling. Michael Jordon often talked about how much work he put into his sport and how he was not special. Einstein too was no fan of the celebrity that came with his achievements. They worked in main for the pleasure they received from the process of becoming truly excellent at basketball and physics respectively.
Remember the suit of armour metaphor Dweck used for wanting to feel special? Being released from that constriction opens up your world. It opens yourself up to go after what you want in life rather than shy away from it. Your motivation can soar, without the need to be rewarded for every achievement, large or small.
Footnotes
- Philosophically, our awareness of separateness, taken to it’s logical conclusion, means it isn’t actually possible to know that anyone else on this planet is real or has a brain or mind or thinks thoughts at all. This is the Brains in Vats thought experiment – all we can really know is that we think. Our senses could be a complete illusion. We may all be brains in vats, and what’s more, you might be the only brain. One brain, one vat! ↩︎
- In Transactional Analysis therapy this processing of the messages of your upbringing is called adopting a Life Position. In TA there are four Life Positions = I’m OK—You’re OK; I’m OK—You’re not OK; I’m not OK—You’re OK; I’m not OK—You’re not OK. The three views of yourself as special fit in well with this. When you think you are special in a superior way you think “I’m OK—You’re not OK.” When you think everyone is special, in the sense of being unique humans, you think “I’m OK—You’re OK.” And when you think you are special in the sense of being fundamentally flawed, you are thinking both, “I’m not OK—You’re OK” which will lead to directly self-harming behaviours; and “I’m not OK—You’re not OK” which can lead to behaviour bent on hurting others. ↩︎
- As above, though this can lead to self-destructive behaviours like suicide, self harm, over eating, drug abuse, it can also be projected outwards. Because the person sees themself as fundamentally flawed they lash out at others – abusing, dominating, fighting, even killing, as a way to try and protect themselves from feeling their inner lack of worth. ↩︎
