stage three
Questioning Social Rules
Stage Three is about questioning social rules. We are products of the societies we grow up in, and it can take a lot to break the blinkers because everything, in your particular society, will tell you that there is a correct way to behave. This goes all the way from how to sit at a table eating, to why grand theft auto is wrong, and far beyond, so lets start simple.
Most parents in the western world will tell you that teaching young children to sit at a table and eat food without 1) using their hands, 2) using only their faces, 3) doing so without speaking at the same time, or even singing, somehow becomes a vital part of parenting.
What would happen to our progeny if we did not drill in these social rules. They would be deemed unbearable barbarians, and rejected from any future worth living for. However, across the globe the differences in eating habits is pretty obvious. In the Middle East and India, children are, by the by, taught to eat with their hands and of course chopsticks and sitting on the floor is the way in most of Asia.
As we get older the rules can become more obscure. There is a rule that says if you gain respect, say by becoming a doctor, then satisfaction and fulfillment will follow. Another rule says that if you gain sufficient money you will also gain a good feeling. A third rule says that if you step outside the bounds of society, and hurt others, you will be imprisoned, then you will feel worthless and depressed.
More rules – be nice to others and they’ll be nice to you. Get things right/perfect and you can stop and be satisfied.
The first and most important part of questioning social rules is to accept that none of these rules are absolutely true. There are numerous examples of the depressed doctor, the unfulfilled millionaire and the prisoner who finds their life’s purpose at their lowest ebb. Nice guys really do finish last a lot of the time and with some physical pain to boot. Perfectionism, though it can bring success at school or work, often leads to bigger problems rather than peace and satisfaction.
success and failure
The fundamental stick with which we allow social rules to beat us with is the two edged sword of success and failure. We are so blinkered that we can often only see our successes and failures through the lens of wider society. We can spend our whole lives becoming a success at fill in the blank, that we never stop to ask why it really matters. And also, why does it really matter if we fail at blank?
I am not recommending you give up the dream of becoming a doctor, or that you go steal a car, or worse, to get thrown in jail in a bid for happiness. Just stop and question the algorithm that society pushes. Questioning social rules means just that, questioning, not necessarily to break them.
Breaking The Rules
Just because none of society’s rules are actually set in stone, ten commandment style, doesn’t mean they have to be broken. Going down this road is called rebellion and though it can be fun at the time it gives cold comfort in the long run.
I spent a lot of time in my twenties being against a lot of what society deemed correct. I thought all drugs should be legalized, and LSD should be dropped into the water supply, to wake everyone up. I believed money was bad and anyone who believed in capitalism was deluded or evil. I also believed in environmental protest and vegetarianism long before these were commonplace views. It is funny how after questioning social rules you sometimes align with newly forming social rules.
I also thought I was completely right and everyone who didn’t agree with me was completely wrong. (About this I was wrong.)
But none of that rebellion was anymore correct than the views I was rebelling against. I had simply swapped mainstream society’s rules for counter culture rules.
To find freedom, you need to step outside all of this and see it for what it is – viewpoints.
this and that... And horror
Chunag-Tze, writer of the ancient Taoist text The Inner Chapters is the expert on seeing that all our human views are relative. He talks about different views as This and That. Simple language to cut through our attachments to our own individual or societal truths.
A Republican’s viewpoint is no more or less valid than a Democrat’s. A Conservative Party voter no more valid than a Labour Party voter. In Northern Ireland, though the armed conflict known as The Troubles between the Unionists and Nationalists has ended you will still find entrenched views on both sides about why they were right, even when bombs and mass shootings were part of proving this rightness.
On a broader scale questioning social rules means that capitalism is no more right than communism or even, unfortunately, fascism. This is not to say that the horrors of fascism are in any way desirable, just that there is no absolute right and wrong. Moving beyond these views of right and wrong helps bring us closer to a point where we can see ourselves, and our learning, more clearly.
Does this mean everything is equal? Are murder, rape, fascism, totalitarianism, as valid responses to life’s challenges as peace, love, democracy, autonomy?
The uncomfortable truth is that yes, everything is equal.
This is the logic of the quote, “If God did not exist, everything would be permitted,” attributed to Dostoevsky by Jean Paul Sartre, though shown to be a misquote, it’s message stands. (Click here for an interesting read on this.) Without an absolute God, all actions in the world are equal, however distasteful this is to us. And though we have tried at times to coerce science into fulfilling the role of God, and finding us natural laws, we have found no morals here. Science can be used for cruel, as well as life enhancing purposes, and as we’ve seen already, scientific laws are no more certain than Gods laws, and so we turn back to society, (ourselves), for guidance.
Everything is allowed? Really?
We feel as if we have full freewill, (see Infinite Existence for more on freewill), as humans, to do whatever to whoever. But, just because everything is equal and technically allowed in the sense of there being no ultimate arbitrator of morals, doesn’t mean that we should, or even would want to, choose to do evil to each other.
This is common knowledge borne out by most of our everyday experiences. We learn to choose what we want to do in life, and this learning is itself influenced by society, and our upbringings. Furthermore the numerous examples of those with fundamentalist religious views carrying out atrocities in the name of their religion whether Christian, Muslim or any other reminds us that even with God in place there are always those that will decide everything is allowed…in the name of God.
Most humans, including those questioning social rules, choose to live in peace with each other. Most don’t want to kill each other, and even when forced to do this, such as in war, many will find the experience traumatic. In one of the first Nazi concentration camps at Sachsenhausen, now a musuem on the outskirts of Berlin, before the gas chambers were constructed, a wall with slits in it for rifles was built because most of the guards found it impossible to execute inmates by shooting them face to face.
if you are inclined to dismiss these guards from your mind by simply hating them as monsters, and focusing on the terrible fate of the prisoners, which was of course a million times worse, try and remember that these were all people, not monsters. People, like you and me, but acting in monstrous ways.
What is right?
If questioning social rules leads us towards the fact that there is no absolute truth, how do we find our way in the world? We are circling back now to how society will try to prescribe this path and the way to fulfillment for you. Be aware though of what you want yourself. Look inside. And, the best way to do this is by learning to listen to yourself, learning to feel for your own answers. What feels right for you?
What is right for you will feel right. An example would be that you are in a job you hate and you want work that is more creative. You will feel this as a pull and push, as frustration. If not addressed this can lead to emotional pain and even physical illness. If you can find in life what matters to you, on the inside, rather than searching for something outside of you that society says you need to be satisfied, you are learning one of the most valuable lessons you can learn. The article ALIIGNED helps with finding out who you are, and what you want, which is what I describe as your World Identity.
You are also opening yourself up to your own inner voice, which is the beginning of listening to that part of yourself that is full of all the things in life that will bring you, and others, peace and happiness. In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy this inner voice is described as being loving, curious, and kind, both to ourselves and to others. This is the part of us that many spiritual traditions talk about, and I call Universal Consciousness, which is different to your World Identity. In the language of IFS you are made up of many different Parts of yourself, which are often most evident in the roles you play in life.
But isn’t this inner voice of love just another this or that? This could be argued, and it is certainly not provable, but when you learn to feel this inner part of yourself there is a sense of rightness about it – not in an I am right way, but in more a feeling of being at peace
Did the Nazi guards feel right when killing Jewish concentration camp prisoners? A feeling of power, of cruel dominance over another human, a feeling of fulfilling your learned destiny as a good Nazi soldier – a particularly destructive this and that, but not I think, a feeling of right more a feeling based on what Hitler and the Nazi party decided was right. A particularly destructive societal rule to follow.
responsibility and accountability
Questioning social rules and taking a wide view of the moral quandary these rules bring with them, and seeing them as not set in stone, doesn’t mean that actions that harm other humans shouldn’t have consequences because, you know, it’s all relative.
People thrive in peace and peace means locking up those that carry out heinous crimes upon others. This is necessary to protect each other. Someone who murders can’t be allowed to live freely in society just because we understand some of the reasons why they did what they did. Ideally prisons would be places of rehabilitation, but equally, rehabilitation requires an individual to find the way inside themselves to why they have acted as they have. This inner work won’t always happen.
Actions matter, and we are all accountable for our actions, however learned they are, or where they were learned. Without this accountability there would be little motive for many to take responsibility for their actions. This taking responsibility is a way to look inside and question why you did what you did? This is the first step in self discovery for anyone – what do my actions tell me about myself? What do I feel about my actions?
To return to a more relatable example – if you choose to pursue a career as a medical doctor without questioning why you want this, or you are doing this because you want the societal approval that comes with such a prestigious career, and the financial rewards as well, and you find the job brings unhappiness and stress, then look inside and own this. Take responsibility for the fact that this isn’t the career for you, and make a change, however much of a challenge that may prove.
Practicing The roadmap - Stage three
As in Stages One and Two continue to Get Into A Growth Mindset view with what you are learning in The Roadmap.
Continue to take time to yourself and spend time alone in nature as a way to help connect with the stillness inside yourself. Continue with the Loving Meditation & Oneness Meditation practices in Meditation – 3 Ways.
Keep working on our own values and how to know yourself more fully as detailed in ALIIGNED. and this will help with knowing your World Identity.
Get more familiar with Internal Family Systems (IFS) and the IFS concept of Self which I call Universal Consciousness, Start to sense this feeling of Universal Consciousness in your daily meditations and now start to try out the third type of meditation – Healing Meditation. which based on using IFS techniques.
Key Guides for this stage – Mindset, Healing Back Pain, Cured, When The Body Says No, Not Nice, The Happiness Trap & Self-Therapy
are you ready for stage four?
Though I have argued here that all morals and values are relative it is not my intention to provide an airtight argument and convince you of any truth. This is impossible, although many have tried. The whole point here is that this relativity means there is no absolute truth so all arguments to prove anything are doomed. With this in mind, Stage Three builds on Stage One and Stage Two.
If you know that society, like religion and science, has no absolute truth only viewpoints which you can either accept or reject then you are ready for Stage Four. If not, if you insist that there is ultimate right and wrong then go on if you choose. You can hold this view while learning more, but at some point return here. Ask the question (not am I right?) but more importantly – Why do I need to be right?