stage Five
Facing Your Fear Of Death
All desires are fundamentally driven by a fear of death. This isn’t as depressing as it sounds! Really, it is the beginning of clearing out any idea that there is actually anything to fear from death, and subsequently no actual reason to expect fulfillment of your desires, (and so your desires themselves), to bring peace from this fear.
Fear & Desire run deep. From the first moment out of our mother’s womb & perhaps before, while in the womb, we feel fear. As babies we cry out for our parents to take away the fear, and desire warmth, and love, and food, to alleviate our pain. Thich Nhat Hanh’s book Fear is an in-depth look at our fears and desires, and where they come from, and so is a great reference for this stage of The Roadmap.
As we get older, our ways to manage fear and desire may become more sophisticated, but they essentially boil down to the exact same logic as our seconds old infant selves – give me something to take away the fear that I will die.
the fear behind all fears
So all fears are really one fear – the fear of death, and death in its most defeating sense – of annihilation, complete destruction, of finish with no afterlife, no second go around, no more time. This is death as the abyss.
This is the reason so many traditional religions provide an afterlife – to assuage this fear. This is also the reason why cold scientific atheism marries up with so many authors, musicians and poets in offering up the joy of living as the ultimate goal of life, because in the end you die. Live now before the, “Dying of the light,” as Dylan Thomas urged.
Though it may seem nonsensical at first that all fears can be traced back to this innate fear of annihilation, of our light dying out, given birth in our infancy, but it is really indisputable.
If it didn’t run this deep, why would we fear anything at all?
Your fear of disappointing your parents is your fear of death – as if you were still a baby that would die if abandoned by her parents. Or else why would you fear their wrath – they cannot really hurt you.
Your fear of losing your job and money is your fear of death – as if you were a baby who will starve without milk. Or else why would you run scared, you know deep down you can get another job and survive.
Your fear of rejection by that guy or girl you really fancy is your fear of death – without a mate you will be left alone, and with no children to carry your memory, and genes, into the future. Or else why would we get red faced, and embarrassed – it is only another person who feels as we feel.
The reason we don’t see this plainly is because we separate out death from all other fears and desires. We separate it out for two reasons – first to ignore it, (best not stare into the abyss, you might trip and fall), and because we have been taught by our parents and societies that all those other fears really matter.
this is Why we become heroes & why we Kill ourselves
If all fear is a fear of death, then why do some people take their own lives? The answer to this is a real demonstration of the power of learning. Though there is not one reason why someone commits suicide, behind all of the reasons is a general sense of hopelessness, usually accompanied by violent self criticism. This is learned behaviour. We really do take on the messages of our parents, teachers, leaders and societies, and if we feel as if we don’t measure up to their standards we can turn against ourselves.
The consequences can be as extreme as in suicide, which is an overriding of the fear of actual death. This is driven at its root by the very fear of death itself, in the form of shame and guilt for all we are not capable of achieving. What a conflict inside our own psyches! The person who kills themselves wants, above all else, to be free of this conflict.
The same applies to why we put ourselves in danger for others. Humans are capable of great feats of heroism, saving the lives of perfect strangers while putting their own lives in danger. We have learned the value of a hero, and heroism is promoted to us in media and family stories from childhood. Our heroic learning can override the fear of death itself, and has to on a daily self-sacrificial way in times of war.
Seeing the power of learning, in no way dismisses or reduces the power of heroic deeds, or the hopelessness of suicidal depression. The horror we feel at a story of suicide, is the flip-side of our awe and wonder at the perfect stranger who saves a child from drowning, and both feelings signals our deep connection to each other that is beyond words and learning.
all desires are to stop fear rising
All desires are to stop fear rising up in our chests, or at the least to negate its affect. If I get/achieve/marry/f*ck/eat/drink/inject/kill this or that I will feel better, less scared, or even get rid of my fear altogether. But we all know in our hearts that desire never provides an end point.
As a child you will have had a great desire for a certain toy at Christmas, like the BMX bike I wished for an entire year. BMX was new at the time and I imagined how I would ride this bike every day. How I would learn tricks on it, do jumps and stunts, be a BMX bandit! I started to think that I would be so happy with this bike I would never want another present in my life.
When Christmas morning came – the bike was there. I had my BMX. I was smiling wide and bursting with joy. I rode that bike a lot that holiday season. There’s not often snow in December in rural Donegal, the county in the north of Ireland where I grew up, just more rain, but I lived on a farm with long lanes, and tracks, and plenty of room to build jumps and practice my skills.
After two weeks I was spent. I had raced around, done jumps, tried and failed to learn tricks and now the bike was just another possession. It was my favourite possession, I still liked having it, I still enjoyed riding it, but the fantasy that this one thing would bring me everlasting happiness – the present to end all presents – was over. On to the next thing.
You may think that’s just kids and pretty immature thinking, we all know that no one thing will bring us happiness. And yet so many people still act like this is true. The toys are bigger toys now – cars, appliances, tech, yachts or they are transmuted into the job, the girl/guy, the money, the identity. Everything will be better when… this desire is fulfilled, whatever that desire happens to be.
Desire is like snake-oil promising to cure all ills and make all fears evaporate.
what if you achieved all you desired?
Imagine you have achieved all you desire. So, let’s say this is a very self-aware achievement so we’re not talking about how you became the next Beyonce or Elon Musk or some other billionaire dream. These kind of fantasies are often based more on society & childhood conditioning than anything else. They may look fun but the reality would be different. Beyonce & Elon Musk have their own issues and problems.
Let’s say instead that you have achieved a simple peaceful, ordinary kind of existence – you are happy in life. You have enough money to be comfortable and your children and partner love you and you love them. Sounds pretty good. Do you stop desiring anything?
No, of course not. Why? Because you’re human.
Desire is part of life. And this may be the desire to help others for example, desire is not a dirty word. The important word to focus on in the title of this section is not the word desire but the word achieved. If you are focused on achievement you will always be slave to desire.
So even when you have achieved your quiet, happy life, you feel there is something missing, like you must find something more, like you must achieve more that you desire. Why? Because you still fear death. Desire is not the problem. Desire is natural. It is the attachment to the achievement of your desires, (as a way to stave of fear of death), that causes problems and brings an endless uneasiness, no matter what you achieve.
what if there was nothing you feared?
Imagine now that there was nothing you feared. Can you do it?
If you can then you are either in denial, repression or both.
The closest you can get to a fear free life is to live with some sense of immortality, because death always looms. You will die, and how can that be allowed?
But, though you can never be free of fear completely, like desire, the key is to stop attaching importance to your fears.
you won't be remembered for long
Sometimes raised as an antidote to the fear of death is the idea that our loved ones will carry us in their memories after our deaths, as they carry our genes forth in their bodies and the bodies of their own children.
Yes your children will remember you, and if the ages are right, and you have built a good relationship with your grandchildren, they will remember you as well. But your great grandchildren, or great, great grandchildren, if that happens? They may remember you, but most likely only as a facsimile of yourself. They won’t remember you with any real depth.
This wish to be remembered drives many people to achieve fame, wealth or both. It also drives many creative works. You live on after your death possibly for centuries, even millennia in the words you have written, or the deeds you have done, which others record.
But you are dead.
The words that are written about each age’s heroes and villains are meaningless to them once they are gone. There own words may live on, but they don’t. There is no getting around this. And, even if you are remembered for long after your death, even this will come to pass away. Our world is finite. Our species the same. At a cosmic scale, our culture is less than a blip, our own words barely audible at all.
Looking After Yourself In The Face Of death
So now you may be back to thinking that learning that all desires are fundamentally driven by a fear of death really is as depressing as it sounds!
Look after those Parts of yourself that feel sad and fearful in Stage Five. Though it is necessary to face death, and see its relation to all fears and desires, this isn’t usually easy, and many of the Parts of yourself that will rebel against this will need soothed.
Practicing the roadmap - stage five
Continue to Get Into A Growth Mindset view with what you are learning.
Continue to take time to yourself and spend time alone in nature as a way to help connect with the stillness inside yourself. Continue with all of the Meditation practices in Meditation – 3 Ways.
Take time in Stage Five to become fully comfortable with the concepts of Universal Consciousness and World Identity and always be open to healing any Parts of yourself that need help.
Key Guides for this stage– Mindset, No Bad Parts, Fear & The Power Of Now
are you ready for stage six?
There is no getting rid of fear completely and on the flip-side no need to do away with desire. It is more important to become aware of and accept these very human parts of ourselves. Don’t attach to your desires as a way of bringing peace, and don’t flee from your fears, as they are all inside you and run with you wherever you go.
Instead face the fact of death. Understand that it is fear of death that drives all desire and fuels all fears. When you accept this, you are ready to move beyond the traditional view of death into Stage Six and find that fear of death is meaningless.